Hi readers, thanks for reading my blog thus far. I have moved my blog to http://friederikeloh.blogspot.com/
Happy New Year! 
NLP and Inner Demons
I have just graduated from my Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner Course with Mind Transformations Pte Ltd. It was a 136 hour course that was conducted over the weekends within a 3 month period. This course has been transformational for me in many ways. Initially I approached the course with some skepticism because of some preconceived notions of NLP. Well, I couldn’t be more wrong! It’s dangerous how having some knowledge can cause one to perceive and misuse a particular behavioural tool…it is high time we have ethics in place in S’pore to prevent any misuse of behavioural tools to prevent unethical practice by unlicensed trainers or consultants!! Anyway, I digress.
We had a very good mix of characters and professions in the course. A full time student (only 20!), a doctor, a HR professional, some trainers, 2 military officers, a psychologist, a “Dutch lady”, sales professionals, and consultants. It was the best class I ever learned and interacted with! Even though we were quite different, ALL of us were there to learn about ourselves and to make a positive difference to people around us. In the end, all of us made a positive difference to each other and will continue to do so over time.
As we went through the various NLP exercises of anchoring, SWISH, New Behaviour Generator, Goal setting and S.C.O.R.E with each other, we learnt very intimate things about each other, things that one sometimes does not even share with our loved ones. This aspect was probably what sealed the class even closer. The most telling exercise we did was the board breaking exercise that was the highlight of the course. It was most interesting to observe how each one faced their inner selves/demons in order to break the one-inch block with the palm of our right hand. Most of us had no experience whatsoever to breaking wooden blocks! But nearly all of us achieved it in the end!
It is truly amazing what each experienced when we went through the process of preparation and rehearsal before breaking the block. Before I went up to break the block, I thought I probably had to surge my chi up to break the block. I couldn’t be more wrong! My heart was pumping so fast that I actually had to calm down and manage my state before I went into the stance. That was the “aha” moment for me. That was when I knew that I have to calm down and be focused in order to get into “the zone” of peak performance. I have always thought otherwise. I witnessed how some were quite emotional before and during the exercise. How some coached the rest to prepare themselves.
We all have our inner demons to manage. I am very glad that these people managed to exercise control over their demons because I managed mine too and dropped one right in the “middle of the Dead Sea”. ;-D
Amazing how one simple exercise can make us all learn so much about ourselves! I wonder what else lies in store for us? I cannot wait to find out! I have made some critical decisions about the direction of my life and will continue to work very hard. Sometimes I do wonder if it will be worth it in the end but I know intrinsically that if I do not pursue these dreams of mine, I will regret it for the rest of my life. But first, I need to dump some more demons in “the middle of the Dead Sea”!
The friendships forged in this course will be strengthened and I am truly blessed to have met this diverse bunch of fellow NLP practitioners!
Crap management and our inspiring youths
It’s been a while since I blogged. Unfortunately, I’ve been embroiled in the middle of some politics and crap management with a certain Community Development council. It’s amazing how even small organisations can play such dirty political games.
I have been involved in a youth community project this year and have poured in months of hardwork and effort into it. The sponsors and partners I brought into the project were fantastic and joined us because some of them believed in the vision and cause of the project. Unfortunately, due to some myopic management, inefficiency and lack of commitment of several team members, the project has fallen lacklustre on many levels. It’s true that one should not expect too much from volunteer projects but if everyone had been put on the same page right from the beginning, the tone of this blog entry would have been very different.
The management had the cheek to change their minds many times about many issues, issues that were already agreed upon and already considered by the volunteers. All these changes led to heartaches and unfulfilled sponsorship proposals. Even till the last week, the finale event location and concept were changing, much to the dismay and very last minute scrambling for the event organisers. Is this how an effective management should function? Is this how any government organisation should operate? Most certainly not. I am truly saddened that such management exists in some of our government organisations.
As part of the project, I decided to do more good and launched a nation-wide survey project, even though my plate was already full with work and studies. The premise of the survey project was to solicit feedback from the youths on the ground with the help of student volunteers. Thanks to the support of the students and friends, I have managed to obtain good results.
But guess what? Because of some imbeciles, the essence of the project was lost and the project was going to go unmentioned at the finale event. I wasn’t so bothered about it not being mentioned, what I was pissed off about was the lack of recognition for my student volunteers. Just because one imbecile was unable to fathom the big picture, all the efforts were going down straight down the drain. I was too stunned to speak and broke into tears. All the frustration from the non-sensical changes, wasted time and effort overwhelmed me.
How can anyone create any positive change with such organisations? I was and still aghast at how this CDC is being managed and run. Fortunately, our chairperson managed to contact the someone in management and convinced them otherwise. Well, hopefully the same management doesn’t change their mind again to exclude the survey project and most importantly, my student volunteers.
The best takeaways from my involvement in this project were the new friendships I forged with my fellow student volunteers and the lessons I learnt from them. Some of our Singaporean youths are very impressive and passionate about creating positive change in our society. Maybe some of them might not understand why they are doing certain things, but given the right leadership and sufficient time, our Singaporean youths will shine!!
I am so proud and honoured to have worked with this group of young and enthusiastic youths. It has more than made up the negative experiences I encountered with this particular CDC. In fact, it was due to them that I kept going and contributing when I was about to quit from the project after the crap the management dealt us with.
Conclusion? I will never volunteer with this CDC EVER AGAIN!!!
Wealth
What is wealth? The Merriam Webster Dictionary has several definitions, “abundance of valuable material possessions or resources” and “abundant supply”. Most people would term a millionaire as wealthy. But are they truly wealthy?
In this day and age, it appears that the world is seeing more and more millionaires. Courses on financial wealth, internet marketing, trading, currency exchange, private equities, (etc, etc, etc) package making tons of money appear easy. Is money the be all and end all of wealth?
The tumultous financial climate, the food scares, a recent trip to HK and The Bucket List gave me some new perspectives on wealth. Having been exposed to various environments and friends where the concept of money can range from extremely significant to the point of obsession to it being perceived as evil or sinful to own in excess amounts, the diverse views could have potentially ruined my individual perspective of wealth! But of course one’s map is not the territory.
The recent events and some new experiences have further reinforced my personal values.
1. Always do the right thing because if you don’t, it will always come back and haunt you. The collapse of Lehman Brothers, the near bankruptcy of AIG and other financial moguls are just some examples. The tainting of milk products with melamine in a bid to earn more profits was simply unbelievable. From exalting noble values in the Cultural Revolution just decades ago, the Chinese business culture seems to have swung in the opposite direction. A by-product of unnaturally accelerated economic change in a country of diverse classes? Perhaps. I seriously pray that they truly have learnt their lesson this time. I can never look at a “made in China” product in the same way ever again. In the pursuit of short-term gains, the Americans and the Chinese dis-regarded some fundamental rules of money and ethics, hence losing sight of the big picture. Possibly, some were not even aware or concerned of the long-term impact of their actions. Must negative consequences always occur before people learn from their mistakes? Sigh.
2. Respect money. Don’t underestimate or overestimate the importance of $$$. I have witnessed how unbalanced some friends’ lives can be when they are chasing their personal financial goals. Money is simply a tool to achieve one’s wants and needs. Money is also a great tool to test people’s values and beliefs. Giving millions to a greedy and selfish man versus millions to Mother Theresa will definitely wield completely different results. My HK friend taught me that wealth is simply transitional and temporal. Having lived through phases of abundance to scarcity, she learnt that invaluable lesson the hard way. Pursue riches if that is what you want, but don’t do it unscrupulously and don’t give up your friends and family while immersed in that mode of pursuit. It is easier said than done! But I believe no one wants to be the billionaire played by Jack Nicholson in The Bucket List who only has his personal assistant visit him in hospital when he is diagnosed with terminal cancer.
3. Importance of love and friendship. It is the love and support of family and friends that pulls us through tough times. No millionaire is truly wealthy without support from family and friends. Enough said.
4. New entry – Spiritual wealth. Hmmm, this value is something I have suppressed over the years due to some unique family circumstances. But it has “poking” me every now and then, in positive and negative experiences. Time to review it!
Conclusion? Wealth in every sense of the word is something that is attainable if one disciplines oneself enough. Discipline in the sense of striking a balance between work and play and also between earthly and spiritual needs.
The Challenge of Leadership
The challenge of leadership – doing the right thing. This is a phrase that is often uttered by some leaders I know. But how many truly know what it entails?
What is the right thing to do? One of the few leaders I truly respected often reminded my colleagues and me to always do the right thing. After some experience in leading, I have come to realise that doing the right thing can be very difficult and challenging. It often goes against popular perception and it often comes with a lot of resistance. People naturally seek the path of least resistance and some find that doing the right thing is sometimes not worth the hassle. But at what cost?
Greed and the lack of desire to do the right thing has caused a massive scandal and unnecessary lives in the China tainted milk scandal.
“Melamine, high in nitrogen, makes products with it appear higher in protein. Suppliers trying to cut costs are believed to have added it to watered-down milk to cover up the resulting protein deficiency” – http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20080919/tap-as-china-baby-formula-recall-bb10fb8.html
Whatever happened to the inspections? Did the suppliers think that they could cover up such unethical acts? Was the money more important than doing the right thing? I don’t know the answers but somehow I think that in the pursuit of financial gains, greed overpowered rational thought.
The terrifying thought is that this is not the first case from China. One wonders how the China leadership is addressing what I call a lack of ethical behaviour, i.e. a lack of wanting to do the right thing.
Something akin happened in the US or rather has been happening in the US. Greed and fear were the key themes in the sub-prime crisis and recent US stock market collapse. With perpetual transnational terrorist threats, a stretched military, waning international support and chronic economic woes, to say that the US top leadership has a heavy load on their shoulders would be the understatement of the century. No US presidential candidate has ever had it so tough. One can only hope that the elected candidate will bite the bullet and do what is right and necessary.
If the top leaders in 2 of the largest and most influential nations do not address these unethical issues in their countries, the world is in for a tempestuous time.
How many leaders have the strength to go against popular opinion? How many leaders actively seek to do the right thing? The optimist in me whispers that enough of them are but the pessimist in me shouts that lots aren’t courageous enough.
One can only pray and hope that enough of them are in China and US.
Good begets good
You remember the lovely couple I mentioned in my previous blog? They read my blog and were so touched by what I wrote, that I was given the blessed task of writing their referral letter as adoptive parents. Their prayers were answered soon after their 10th anniversary and their love and goodness have brought a lovely 8-month-old child into their lives! Am absolutely delighted for them!!!! 
Really hope my letter will help them secure the adoption…
God & Wedding Anniversaries
I was at a 10th year wedding anniversary celebration last Sat morning. This lovely couple somehow invited me into their lives last year and have touched my life greatly. They renewed their vows at a lovely Catholic church just a few steps away from their lovely home. From the moment, my friend greeted me with a warm hug till I said goodbye, this couple and their family emanated love to people all around them. U know how some people just accept you into their lives, no questions asked, cook you fabulous food, listen to your problems, make you laugh and just basically love U for what U are? This couple are just like that, they love people and in turn, people adore them!
I was particularly touched by the service, their nieces reciting Bible verses, their in-house 10th wedding anniversary video clip, the beautiful hymns….sigh…I was moved to tears…It was almost like God was trying to tell me something after I blogged about love! Well, they have given me new confidence in marriage!
How could they have survived or rather sailed through ten long years of marriage in this modern era where a five-year marriage is considered almost a miracle? Lots of patience and acceptance = Enduring love.
I firmly believe that they would not have been so happy without the presence of God in their lives. Now, I must first declare that I’m not inclined towards any religion but I’ve always believed in God and respect all religions for their various beliefs and practices. So please indulge this “free-thinker” for a bit..;-)
Hmmm, I wonder what is the statistics on religion and length of marriages? Would be interesting to know. Anyway, regardless of religion, I pray (yes, I do pray!) and wish for many more wedding anniversaries for all the married couples out there!
To the lovely couple who filled my Sat with lots of love, may your greatest wish come true! I’ll certainly be praying for you!
Love…
I learnt today that if someone told you that they couldn’t help falling in love with you, you had to be very careful. My class was aghast at what the speaker said…but hold your horses. Apparently, her priest said that feelings come and go and what really keeps a couple together is alot more than feelings and lust. Hmmm….how many marriages last these days? Are we getting married for the wrong reasons? Some get married because of economic reasons, lust, infatuation, some Singaporeans for baby bonuses and tax rebate (!!), or simply because the time was right…
Looking back, how many times have you fallen in love or thought you were in love? Some describe love as a heady rush of emotions, hearts racing, palms sweating, at a loss of words when that special person was around and a sense of emptiness when that person left. Some claim that love is irrational. To a certain extent, I agree but I think love is really what is left over, when all the passion fades, the feelings vented, and you cannot imagine life without the person because your lives are so entwined that one would be at a loss when that person left…would you love “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part?” How many married couples keep to their vows these days?
But what if the person left you? Do you cry at the unfairness of it, blame the situation/illness/third party? Or does one blame themselves for not spotting the signs earlier on? It is the toughest when the one you love leaves you suddenly, without any warning or sign. The ability to accept, forgive, forget, detach and let go of the one you love is probably the hardest thing to do especially when that person is all you ever wanted, the person U wanted to spend the rest of your life with. One never recovers fully from such a situation…because if that person is still alive and you bump into them one day, unwittingly, all Scars resurface and one gets all breath knocked out of their body…
But life goes on and eventually, you have to let go of the one you love be it to death, sickness or to another party.
So what’s your definition of love?
Dilemma of the Modern Asian Woman
Some comments from readers prompted me to question and challenge my paradigms of women and leadership. I spoke to some male friends on their perception of top female leaders and observed how some women in top leadership positions are regarded. I’ve watched in awe as our top female table-tennis athletes smashed their way to a silver Olympic medal and teared when they stood at the podium with our S’pore flag fluttering with pride alongside China’s. When our Prime Minister spoke about single Singaporean women in his Rally speech today, these questions popped into my mind:
What does the modern Asian woman really want? Is it career, love, family, fame or money? If we want it all, then which is more important? What should come first? Obviously, the answers will differ amongst different women in different Asian cultures. Some mainland Chinese women according to PM’s speech are more concerned about career success than a significant other. Some Singaporean women might share the same sentiments, whereas our Thai or Vietnamese counterparts might have a more contrasting viewpoint.
So what is the underlying factor in the differences? Education? It’s widely acknowledged that highly educated women will often marry late and prioritize careers over starting families. But is that really true? A colleague of mine, highly capable and a government scholar, gave up up her job to be a stay-home mum. She felt that she needed to spend quality time with her children. She’s not the only one who’s doing that for their families. Is this going to be a future trend of Singaporean mothers? Perhaps. Perhaps some modern women do want family over their careers, especially if the family’s income is stable. Perhaps some women are happy pursuing their passions and want to be financially free. There’s obviously nothing wrong with either choices. Perhaps, the modern Asian women are finally fitting into their preferred roles in society?
So what do we women want? As much as we all want it all, I firmly believe that it cannot be a solo effort. Look at Hillary Clinton. She embodied career and family (well, including a straying ex-President of a husband!) and had a good shot at Presidency, the epitome post of leadership. But what happened? There were snide comments about her dressing, wrinkles and honestly, nothing much about her achievements and brilliance. Sad to say, the women were her worst critics! Honestly, whats wrong with those American women? Sour grapes? Who knows? I digress! The point was, she was working with a team – her family and her election party.
In my opinion, if a woman truly wants it all, she’ll have to rope in her family to assist her. Even then, it’s a fine balance to thread. Chores like ironing, cooking or bathing the kids take up precious time that most women have outsourced to domestic helpers, but yet sometimes, essential for the woman to have her presence felt in this domestic arena. Also, would her husband be supportive of her long working hours and maybe her success overshadowing his? It all depends on the strength of the relationship. For the older, single women who chase success before love, they find it increasingly difficult to source for Mr Right as their pool of eligible men decreases with their increase in age (and wrinkles!).
So what is best? Finding a partner whose dreams and values are akin to yours and is willing to work together with you to achieve success (be it family and/or career) would be ideal. Alas, not all women are that fortunate. So most will have to choose.
What would be your choice?
Women and Leadership
I came across a very interesting article in Harvard Business Review -”Women and the Labyrinth of Leadership”, Alice H. Eagly and Linda L. Carli
“Despite years of progress by women in the workforce (they now occupy more than 40% of all managerial positions in the United States), within the C-suite they remain as rare as hens’ teeth. Consider the most highly paid executives of Fortune 500 companies—those with titles such as chairman, president, chief executive officer, and chief operating officer. Of this group, only 6% are women. Most notably, only 2% of the CEOs are women, and only 15% of the seats on the boards of directors are held by women. The situation is not much different in other industrialized countries. In the 50 largest publicly traded corporations in each nation of the European Union, women make up, on average, 11% of the top executives and 4% of the CEOs and heads of boards. Just seven companies, or 1%, of Fortune magazine’s Global 500 have female CEOs. What is to blame for the pronounced lack of women in positions of power and authority?”
There are some success stories of Asian women holding top leadership appointments – Gloria Arroyo, the late Benazir Bhutto, Chandrika Bandaranaike Kumaratunga, Megawati Sukarnoputri, but to name a few. But I observed that there was much resistance in their assumption of power and criticism about their political decisions. One was even assassinated! Was it simply because they are women and the men were resentful of their leadership? Or were they mere puppets of other unseen leadership powers? One can only speculate.
As someone who has held various leadership appointments and worked in a very male dominated environment, I found the article to be insightful of the experiences I encountered in my leadership appointments. I don’t deny that I have made mistakes and probably cheesed off some of my male colleagues in the process! The truth of the matter was that I felt I had to work doubly hard to prove my worth in some of my previous work environments. But once my credibility was established, things moved smoothly for me. I was very fortunate to be given numerous opportunities by my bosses, being mentored by great bosses and I was even promoted before some of my male colleagues.
But it all came with a price. I didn’t have much of a social life during those years and was usually physically and mentally exhausted during the evenings and weekends (hence my single status). In retrospect, I think I should have delegated more of my tasks and balanced my priorities better.
Is the modern Asian woman able to juggle pinnacle leadership appointments, family and other traditional feminine roles? Obviously, it depends on the individual and context. Some women are excellent at multi-tasking, some women are blessed with supportive partners/families, while some women are formidably driven. Nevertheless, this juggling comes with lots of sacrifices. How many of us are up to the task?
Men, on the other hand, are in some ways, more advantaged. “Behind every great man, there is a great woman” – it is never phrased the other way round! Men are generally more accepted to be leaders. No matter how successful a woman, there is still a commonly accepted view that she should stand by her man. Will the tide change? Or does the tide need to change?
If women are to achieve equality, women and men will have to share leadership equally. I personally think it will only be a question of time before more women take up pinnacle leadership posts.
To all the great and passionate women leaders out there, keep going!
