Personal Development and My Country

I’ve been embarking on a personal growth journey this year. I just completed another workshop with Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group recently. It’s a workshop I would recommend to almost all my friends to attend.

My biggest takeaway is not the many useful investment strategies that they painstakingly taught, but that Adam Khoo and Conrad (the main trainers for my workshop) all underwent major setbacks before attaining financial success. Conrad underwent 2 business failures and bankruptcy. But they both picked ourselves up and are now running a multi-million business! How many of us still chase our dreams, much less pick ourselves up after repeated setbacks?

What is even more amazing is that both are happily married and consistently make time for their family and loved ones. So one can have it ALL. Some might say I don’t have time for love now, am busy with my career, another might say, they were lucky and had rich families. But Conrad doesn’t even have “0″ levels and they both got married relatively early. Any more excuses?

One doesn’t wake up one day and find oneself successful, one has to set a goal/s, strategise, take consistent action, gather feedback from good friends, maintain flexibility and be able to jump back from setbacks. All these are fluffy talk, some might say, or sound like too much effort. But no one ever became great from having an easy life. Conrad would say that his life is like the NASDAQ!

Our Singapore Story is a great example. How did we manage to achieve a developed nation status with state of the art technology, a top notch education system, one of the world’s best transport systems (MRT, Changi Airport and yes, even ERP), SEA’s financial hub and many times richer than our neighbours? Sheer luck? No, it was our forefathers, our leaders and us that brought this tiny red dot to the world’s attention.

But would we have achieved it if our existence wasn’t threatened? Quick history lesson – in 1965, we were forced to be separated from Malaysia, the British (our main source of livelihood) were leaving, the majority of Singaporeans comprised of illiterate immigrants and worse, there were racial riots and crime aplenty. We were not expected to survive for long. “There was a time when people said that Singapore won’t make it, but we did.” All the national day songs we sang in school finally make sense.

Our then leader, Mr Lee Kuan Yew was a 30 something lawyer, had a huge load on his shoulders. Fortunately for us, he did not give up. But are we giving up on Singapore? Do we support local talents or do we believe the angmoh is better? Do we buy local music records or foreign music records? Do we complain too much against the government, the very government, which pulled Singapore out of the mess it was in? Any wonder why the foreign talents are all pouring in?

Do we blame everyone else but ourselves for our failures and mistakes? “It’s not fair!” “Why is it always me?” “It’s the government’s fault, too many ERPs!” And the quotes go on….why buy a car if one complains about high COE and ERP? Did the government force us to buy a car? So what are the complaints really about? I digress.

The point is if this little red dot can be so successful despite all the odds, so why can’t we as individuals do the same? Have you ever taken charge of your own life and took responsibility for your own actions? Or have you sailed through your life and complained about how everything is going against you?

I’ve started to walk along the former path and find it extremely enlightening and exhilarating. I hope more of my friends will join me on this path of personal development and self-empowerment. Will you join me too?

To Lead, to Excel, to Overcome

“To lead, to excel, to overcome.” What do these words mean to you? I remember first shouting these words out loud while standing with a platoon of cadets in OCS. Initially, the phrase didn’t resonate with me. But as the days went on during my tough training in OCS, the words meant more and more. In fact, everytime I shouted it, it made my hair stand and heart swell with pride. Even now when I think back, it still gives me similar emotions.

BTW, this phrase is the mission statement of Officer Cadet School. I always felt that these words explained the true meaning of leadership. One might say that leadership is simply influence. But I reckon that the influence aspect in leadership comes together with excellent personal behaviours by overcoming ourselves. I have met charismatic leaders who can easily get droves of men and women to do what they want but the charisma can only last so long. Once your team members see that you’re only form and no substance, your team will leave, one by one, or in droves, similar in the way they entered.

In our mundane lives, how many of us take stock and reflect on where we are heading as a society or as an individual? Are we attempting to stretch ourselves to our fullest potential or are we living in our comfort zones? Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in remaining in one’s comfort zone. For the latter, “to lead, to excel, to overcome” will certainly not apply. “To stay, to stay and to stay” would probably be their mantra.

“To lead, to excel, to overcome” will only apply to leaders who stretch themselves and their team members. One might ask “Why does the leader need his followers to be stretched? Isn’t stretching himself sufficient?”

I beg to differ. A leader cannot be indispensable. If he makes himself indispensable, his team is doomed from Day 1. Some managers like to be in total control – Everything needs to be reported and no decision can be made without his/her consent. What happens when the manager goes on leave or long-term MC? Oops.

I believe that real leaders should be training their team members to lead and stretch themselves to their fullest potential. Some team members might not want to be stretched and want to remain in their comfort zone. But I have personally witnessed the power of positive team dynamics and how the cohesiveness of a team can push a not-too-motivated team member to stretch himself/herself.

The multiplier effect of a motivated and cohesive team of leaders, coupled with their great leader’s vision, I can imagine, are the ’stuff’ that legends are made of! One of my missions is to create this multiplier effect in as many places as possible. But first, I’m on my journey of personal development…

What about you? Please share.

Love or Loyalty?

I was watching Superman Returns last night and besides, ogling at Brandon Routh, I was quite saddened by the love situation between Superman and Lois Lane. After Clark Kent disappears for a few years, she gives birth to a “superkid” who needs an arsenal of medication to fend off a series of allergies and medical problems. Hmm… bad case of super versus normal genes? Anyway, she meets this sweet man (can’t recall his name) who not only regards her super-son as his own, he also helps her save the love of her life when he magically reappears on Planet Earth one fine day….hmmm, how can one find such a devoted man? Only in Hollywood, obviously!!

The point is, Lois Lane chose normal Joe versus the love of her life, Superman. Some fans were apparently upset at Lois’ decision…Obviously, such a situation is impossible in reality.

Or is it? How many of the married couples out there truly marry for love or married at the right time?

One of my closest friends told me that one can never marry the one U love, but rather marry the one U can live with. When she told me that in 2004, I was flabbergasted and asked her, then what happened to the one U loved? And a whole host of other qtns… He’s apparently still alive and her current best male friend. Gee, how can the husband take it and why did she not marry the one she loved? Turns out that she was always the woman who stood by him, turned up for functions when he needed a partner, she was essentially waiting for him to realise that she was the woman for him. He was caught up with his career as rising professional in his field and didn’t make time for love. Alas, he went overseas for a lengthy period and she entered university where she met her current husband. The night before her big day, he begged her not to marry the other man and to marry him instead! After so many years of silence??!!! What an IDIOT!!

My friend, being the loyal daughter and practical person that she is, decided to reject his offer and married the other man as planned. Sigh…so what’s the ending? She’s unhappy and unwell. The One is still very much in her life and never married. He fell sick too and now lives overseas. *SOB*

What a terrible situation – loving someone and yet unable to be with that someone who loves U back because of inaction or one bad decision? To my male friends who are reading this, don’t wait too long to express yourself to the one who makes your heart flutter, coz she won’t be hanging around for you to make up your mind and realise that U do love her. Any self-respecting woman won’t be hanging around. Don’t make the same mistake as my examples above.

So in retrospect, how many of the married people out there chose The One or settled for the one that came at the right time? I certainly wish to be in the former and never the latter situation. Some of my about-to-be married friends and married friends tell me that U never know if the one you’re marrying is the Right One and that marriage is a gamble. That sounds horrifying to me! Those who are happily married tell me that U’ll just know it when U meet the Right One because everything will fall into place? So which is the right concept? Or is there no right concept?

Gosh, love can be so complicated…was that why my friend and Lois Lane chose loyalty instead? Afterall, loyalty is a form of love. Hmmm….

I think meanwhile I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that I’ll find love and loyalty in the same package! Good luck to the rest of you!

Success

A few months ago, I was googling one of my fave authors, Dr John. C Maxwell and discovered to my utter delight that he was speaking in Bangkok on the 17th June! Obviously, it wasn’t cheap and I had to apply a few days’ leave to attend his conference but it was well worth it!

Never have I been so attentive to a speaker who is obviously in his element when he addresses his audience. He spoke to us as if we had known him for a long time and was just really catching up with us by sharing about his latest books and leadership philosophies. I have attended many seminars and conferences and his communication skills are the by far the best I have ever come across. I had many takeaways from the short one-day conference, including new frens and connections and I would like to share some with you.

How to attain success? Firstly, each of us has different definitions of success. To some it could be attaining financial freedom, for some it could be climbing Mount Everest or giving birth to 3 children! That certainly got me thinking because I have experienced some levels of success in my life and my definition of success has varied over the years.

Secondly, to attain success, U must work on something you’re passionate about. However, this does not guarantee 100% success because one can be fiercely passionate about something and yet suck at it. Dr Maxwell gave the example of the American Idol wannabes. Some are awfully passionate about singing but are terrible at it! What happened to their friends?

Thirdly, to attain 100% success, U must work on your strength and not your weaknesses. Now this was a little hard to swallow because all my life (and most pple’s lives), we are reminded to work on improving our weaknesses. But Dr Maxwell reckons that we will best upgrade our weaknesses to average and nobody wants/likes/pays for average! Work on your strengths and you’ll experience exponential growth. Then merge your passion and strengths and U get success!

So I am now on a process of self-discovery of my strengths and passion, I think I have narrowed it to a few aspects. Dr Maxwell said it took him 7 years to decide that he wanted to teach and add value to the pple around him. What about you?

Anyway, there is alot more to share with you. Will write a series of posts of my experience in Bangkok because through this conference, I have met some very incredible pple and read some incredible books that have changed the way I perceive things forever. Till the next post!

Character

Character

I would be true, for there are those who trust me;
I would be pure, for there are those who care;
I would be strong, for there are those who suffer;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare.
I would be friend of all- the foe, the friendless;
I would be giving, and forget the gift;
I would be humble, for I know my weakness;
I would look up, and laugh, and love, and lift.

- Howard A. Walter.

What does this poem mean to you? Words that a saint, monarch or Prime Minister should live by?
I think any leader, anyone, should live by these words. Of course it is not easy. But it is always good to try.  How many times have we often sought the path of least resistance? I know I have many times.

I was applying for membership for the Singapore Psychological Society a few nights ago and was sieving through years of my results slips, certificates and what nots. I wasn’t pleased with what I saw. From straight ‘A’s in ‘O’ levels to lousy results in my ‘A’ levels and university…what happened? I was faced with a mixture of disappointment/disgust/self-realisation… I realised that I let my desires overcome my needs. I lost my sense of discipline. Instead of studying, I was out playing touch rugby, laser sailing, partying, hiking but studying…tsk, tsk. Obviously, there is no point crying over split milk now but to move on and lead a disciplined life henceforth.

So what is considered a disciplined life? For some it might mean waking up at the crack of dawn to run, cycle, practise yoga or to prepare breakfast for the family. I think it varies with different stages of our lives. At one point in my life, I would wake up at 6am or 4.30am, 3 -4 times a week to run. Why did I stop? Besides the accident in Pattaya, which immobilised my right ankle, I think I wanted to pursue something else. But that’s another story for another time. For now, I’ll stick to my yoga.

So yes, pay now and play later, or pay a lot more if one chooses to play now and pay later. No more the path of least resistance! I don’t want to be labeled as a person without discipline and character. What about you?

“The Tyranny of Expectations”

My yoga instructor and one of my best frens directed me to a very interesting website recently – http://www.yogajournal.com/newsletter/myj_312.html. The article gave a very yogic explanation of expectations.

“While we all harbor expectations in our lives, the trick seems to be to tread lightly and loosely with them. This week, be prepared to accept whatever situations present themselves, approach them with a neutral mind, and take appropriate action rather than resist.” (Andrea Kowalski)

The issue of expectations has been discussed many a time with another very good male friend of mine. We have had our fair share of disagreements because of varying expectations of our friendship. I have come to realise that we are all ‘victims’ of our own desires and notions of what should be.

We all harbour expectations, large or small, positive or negative. As Asians in a fast-paced Singapore, we are already “victims” of our parents’ or society’s expectations of what we should achieve in school and life. The amazing thing is, we are hardly aware of our expectations most of the time and unfortunately, our expectations can lead us to unkind actions, words and unwanted circumstances.

How many times have U been upset with someone U care about because of what U expected them to do? How many times have U been cheesed off with yourself for not achieving what U thought was within your grasp? I’ve been guilty numerous times. Even when I practise yoga, I realised that I often expect a perfect prasarita or urdhva mukha svanasana. So silly, why stress myself when I’m still recuperating from my fractured ankle? Honestly…

Some people might argue that without expectations, one will never stretch oneself and put in effort. But do we overlook possibilities because we are enslaved by our expectations?

Try this the next time U enter a conversation with a friend/boss/colleague/date – Be fully present, enjoy the conversation, (even if U’re getting scolded by your boss!) listen, instead of thinking of what to say next or expecting the conversation to go according to what U expect. Simply go with the flow and explore the possibilities of the conversation. U might discover that the conversation will be alot more pleasant, meaningful and littered with laughter. Try to apply it to your daily activities too.

Do share with me what U encounter coz I’m trying to practise it too!

Other men to avoid

As a follow-up from “Top 3 Men to Avoid”:

4. Mr Fraud – This man is replaces Mr Charismatic on my original list. He’s the evolved version of Mr Charismatic, Mr Desperado and Mr Bisexual! How? Mr Fraud is the one who will sweep you off your feet, blow you away with his words, manners, looks, brains, family background and the list goes on. U think he’s Mr Right and flattered with his words of everlasting love even though he does it very much like Mr Desperado, but the strange thing is, you don’t mind because U are deeply infatuated with him and caught up with this emotional high whenever you’re around him. After a whirlwind of courtship, Mr Fraud starts sharing his financial dreams. U get caught up and want to help him achieve his dreams, believing that U will both live happily ever after. U start paying during dates, buying his stuff coz he needed it but was financially tight that particular month. Before you know it, he says he needs to go away for a while to some faraway land to achieve his dreams coz he wants to spend the rest of your life with U. But he needs money and U readily give it to him, even paying for his airfare. Then he leaves, calling you when he arrives at his destination and then U never hear from him again. He leaves U with a broken heart and flat broke. Worse, he can be pulling the same stunt with more than 1 woman simultaneously! Mr Fraud also has no problems bending his sexual preferences if he sees a rich, attractive gay man he can lay his hands on. So gay men are also not spared. Mr Fraud tops the list for “Men to Avoid”.

5. Mr Married but Available (a.k.a M.B.A) – The very fact that he’s married and still searching spells major trouble. The thing about married men is that they have this confidence that most single men don’t. Why? Because they are already in a relationship and are having fun before they head home to their wives. They don’t have the questions of “Will she laugh at my jokes?”, “Do I ask for her number?, “Should I ask her out now?”, hence their conversations and interactions with women are often more relaxed. Women find it attractive and some inadvertently fall for the “out-of-reach” Mr M.B.A. But beware, not only are you inviting bad karma by dating Mr M.B.A, you’re also in for a emotional roller-coaster of heartache and pain. They promise you that they will divorce their wives while having mind-blowing sex with you – forbidden fruit always is sweeter, hence the sex is usually fantastic… Even if he really does leave his wife for you, can you ever be sure that he won’t do the same to you? Stay far away from Mr M.B.A because the emotional highs and great sex is just not worth all the pain and guilt. Also if his wife finds out, you’re in for a lot of trouble….

6. Mr “Alcoholic” – Men in this category are great and fantastic boyfriends until they start drinking. They tell you it’s only 1 drink then it’s 3 drinks and then the next thing you know, U’re dragging them home and cleaning up after their vomit/piss/whatever mess they leave behind. Certainly, not the best way to spend a Friday or Saturday night. U can’t help but think that it’s only a phase, he’s going though a hard time, U’ll be the one who will pull him through this madness, etc, etc, etc. But my dear ladies, men only change if they want to change, and in most cases, they are perfectly happy with the way they are. How can you tell if U meet a Mr “Alcoholic”? All of your dates are in (or end up in) pubs or restaurants that serve interesting or cheap alcohol, best if there is Happy Hour, coz he can drink more for less. He meets with his male pals for drinks every week and each time, they finish bottles of alcohol. At first, U think he’s cool or simply being manly, until he starts slurring, swearing or worse, putting his hands all over other women when U’re off to the ladies or starts borrowing money from you to finance his drinking. Need I say more?

Good luck with the “perpetual search” for Mr Right!

High-Maintenance issues…

One often hears about the high maintenance woman, you know, the woman who is always dressed to the nines, nails manicured, hair coiffured and God forbid if U ever see her in a repeat outfit!

But that got me thinking, don’t most modern, working women fall into that category? Not so much because of high maintenance but also because they are expected to dress like that if they want to be treated seriously….and then, we get men branding us as “high maintenance”! Honestly…tsk, tsk…

So that led me to to think – is there a categorisation for high maintenance? What if a woman (or a man) is low maintenance on the material front but NEEDS attention everyday? Which is worse? I personally find the latter more horrifying and repulsive! But then again, one doesn’t want a gold-digger either. Thankfully, 80% of us should fall somewhere in between both ends of that emotional versus material maintenance spectrum! I haven’t got any specific scientific research to back that up, but according to a certain renowned Australian psychologist; 80% of the people U meet on the street are normal, 15% suffering from some kind of depression or mental disorder and the remaining 5% are just plain bananas!!! But I digress…

Then another thought cropped up – is there such a thing as a high maintenance man? I personally think that there aren’t that many high maintenance men. Most of my male friends and ex-boyfriends aren’t too particular about such fashion issues. But then again, the metrosexual we keep bumping into are often just as well-dressed and polished (in some cases, even more maintained!) like us. But emotional maintenance? Hmmm.

I think I can vouch that very few men are emotionally needy, unlike us. Well, well, I suppose that’s where the sex difference is. J ust as there can be women who aren’t emotionally needy, there are also men who score high on the emotional chart. The trick lies in finding the man or woman who looks good enough without spending too many hours (or money) staring into the mirror and is balanced enough to not call you too often during the day…..well, the “perpetual search” continues….;-)

Top 3 Men to avoid in this urban jungle of singles…

Ladies, next time you’re out dating and searching for Mr Right, look out for these 3 types….

1. Mr Charismatic – This is the man who will sweep you off your feet within 24 hours of meeting him. Men and women alike are all strangely drawn to his aura. They might not always be the most good-looking, but something about them makes women fall flat at their feet. They will make U feel like a million bucks, make U feel oh so special, until alas, U realise that he says the same thing to almost all the women he meets, buys them almost all the same gifts (e.g. imitation Tiffany pendants) and calls them “very good friends”. Be very worried when he says so-and-so, we are just good friends because U’re going to be the next “good friend” even though you are dead certain that U meant something special to him. Mr Charismatic is also often Mr “I’m not ready to commit”. Why? Because they are having so much fun charming girls into falling for them and watching them fight for their attention! Which man would want to give that up? So if U ever encounter Mr Charismatic, listen carefully and observe him, don’t let the momentary chemistry blind you to his well camouflaged but overwhelming flaws….

2. Mr Desperado – This breed of men are usually very nice men who have not had much success with women. They want to settle down and have kids. A rare breed especially since alot of single men aren’t keen on settling down. But the problem is, they just want to settle down, and they don’t care who they settle down with, they are in love with the idea of marriage, not necessarily with you. This is the man who will call you everyday to find out what U are doing (even of you’re not a couple), talk about long term plans like where they would like to live with you within the first few dates. If you’re desperate for a husband, then good for you if U meet Mr Desperado, but the marriage might not last because he’s only in love with the concept of marriage. But if U’re a self-respecting woman, run…fast!

3. Mr Bisexual- Mr Bisexual is the scarier version of Mr Charismatic. He obviously needs to have Mr Charismatic’s charm and way with people in order to attract members of both sexes. How else can you identify him? He’ll often be very well dressed, very gentlemanly, quite touchy-feely, some are shy to admit they are attracted to the same sex. Some bisexuals I know say they are very open, which means, they like a variety of men and women. I have nothing against bisexuals, but unless U are into menage-o-trois or threesomes, do U really want to be jealous of your boyfriend’s gay partner? Worse, can you imagine having sex with someone who has been somewhere else with his member? Ewwww…..

So ladies, good luck!

The Last Samurai – What our leaders can learn about managing change.

I was watching The Last Samurai last Sun with my younger brother, enjoying some bonding time with him. Truth be told, the movie is one of Tom Cruise’s best movies, not because of his acting skills but also because of the storyline:

“Set in Japan during the 1870s, The Last Samurai tells the story of Capt. Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise), a respected American military officer hired by the Emperor of Japan to train the country’s first army in the art of modern warfare. As the Emperor attempts to eradicate the ancient Imperial Samurai warriors in preparation for more Westernized and trade-friendly government policies, Algren finds himself unexpectedly impressed and influenced by his encounters with the Samurai, which places him at the center of a struggle between two eras and two worlds, with only his own sense of honor to guide him.”

The main takeaway from the Last Samurai was how the different groups of Japanese reacted to change, i.e. the ‘powers of the Westernised’ world). The way change was managed and perceived by the imperial Omura cabinet and opposed strongly by the traditionalist Samurai led by Katsumoto. The tussle was perfectly manifested in a scene whereby Katsumoto’s brother’s samurai knot was cruelly cut off and his samurai sword seized.

In forcing “Westernisation” into Japan, Omura was relentless and willing to kill thousands of highly-skilled samurais to pursue his aim. Katsumoto was just as relentless and willing to kill just as many Japanese soldiers trained by Western military advisors to pursue his aim. In retrospect, was there a huge difference between the two? Both were fighting for what both believed would make a better Japan. How could the imminent change been better managed by the Japanese, in this case, the Emperor?

With the natural inclination of people to resist change, how can the modern leader better manage change in his country/organisation/team? Dr Maxell describes the leader as the agent for change (“Developing the Leader Within you“). In his book, he explains the importance of creating a climate of change for the people/organisation. He goes on to describe the methods a leader can implement to smoothen change in his team., including making the people take ownership of the change. What struck me the most is that he makes the assumption that the change to be introduced must always be for the people and not the leader. How many times has change been implemented for the good of the few leaders in the organisation and not for the people? Some govt agencies will beg to differ, but if the majority of the changes implemented are for the top, I firmly believe, the organisation will start to see good pple and influencers leaving, feeling dejected and unmotivated.

If the Emperor had Dr Maxwell instead of Tom Cruise as his military advisor, events would have turned out very differently. Perhaps more innocent lives would have been spared and Japan’s modernisation could have been more robust. One can only speculate…..